Bittersweet
by samanddianefan10
Summary: As Ray tries to come to terms with yet another loss, he recieves comfort from a most unusual source.


Ray wandered the land of Southfork, his home of so many years. The place where some of the best, and worst, times of his life were spent. So many memories were attached to this land. It was more than land- it was the legacy of his father, Jock Ewing, and his step mother, Miss Ellie. They'd prided themselves on being the perfect host and hostess, so today they would have sadly been proud at how the family came together to bear the most unbearable loss of them all- JR Ewing was really gone.

It was all happening so fast. He'd gotten the call around midnight, and flew in right away. The funeral was taking place as he walked the land, but it had been too much for him, too soon, so he quietly excused himself to take a good hard look at the land that had meant so much to the family. By family, he'd included himself, although he often wondered if he should have been included.

As JR had reminded him on so many occasions, he wasn't a full Ewing. He was a half-breed, nothing more, nothing less. It was only by a strange twist of fate that he'd come to learn that he was indeed the son of Jock. It had taken him years to come to peace with that fact, and it wasn't only until Jock died and they had traveled the earth searching for his remains that he had truly considered himself a Ewing. Telling Miss Ellie the bad news was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life, and sometimes if he thought about that moment long enough, it was still enough to bring him to tears. It wasn't fair, Jock was a good man, and Miss Ellie certainly did not deserve the heartbreak that came with learning of her husband's fate. But he had to be strong- that's what Jock would have wanted, so he carried on, not the best he could, but he went on with his life, never forgetting what Jock had meant to him. Jock's legacy would live on forever.

He stood at a pond, considering what his future was. Bobby was always good to him- always- but Ray had tackled on the responsibility of raising Bobby's son, so things were sort of at an impasse between them. Nothing was said, nothing needed to be said, but he knew that Bobby couldn't have been happy with the way things had turned out for his son. Bobby never treated him differently, he was too nice for that, but there was an awkwardness between them that words just couldn't describe. Once again, Ray Krebbs was an outsider, and it had stirred up so many old feelings.

Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and saw that it was his former wife, Donna Culver, and instinctively he pulled her close to him. Donna was caught off guard, but she had enough sense (she always was the smartest of the bunch) not to disturb him during his time of need. She held him back, allowing him to feel his emotions, whatever they were, and she could hear his gentle sobs as she patted his back comfortingly.

"It's okay, Ray. I'm here. You can let it all out."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I've wanted to see you for a long time, but I never...I never...I never thought that it would take this to see you again," Ray whispered through his tears.

"Don't say anything you'll regret," she cautioned.

"Regret? You want to talk about regret? I never got to tell my father goodbye, how much he had meant to me. How he had taken me into his family without a second thought. How he treated me like I was good- good enough to be a Ewing. I just never appreciated it until it was too late. You were right about me, Donna. I was hard headed and stubborn and refused to see what was before my eyes the entire time."

Donna was sensible to realize that he was talking about more than Jock Ewing. He was talking about her, and although she felt slightly uncomfortable, still she tried to soothe his hurt.

"Ray, you know your Daddy was proud of you."

"But JR...he hated me. I was the bastard, the unwanted family member. He never cared about me."

"JR only cared about himself. You and I both know that."

"I know. But he loved Sue Ellen. And God knows he loved John Ross. It wasn't easy for him to love either of them, but he did. As for me...I was unwanted and unlovable."

"Is that how you see yourself?" Donna asked, curiously.

"wasn't I? First Jock left, then you left, and I was left to try to pick up the pieces of my life as best as I could. I have a daughter whose best days I missed, because I was too selfish to forgive you. I was hurt so I wanted as far away from Dallas as possible. I only saw Margaret on holidays and sometimes her birthday. Sometimes I forgot her birthday. But I never forgot you. Never."

"Are you sure you want to tell me these things? What about Jenna?"

"Do you see Jenna here with me now?"

Donna understood. Jenna wasn't there for Ray when she ought to have been, leaving her to pick up the pieces of Ray's shattered life. It was a task she wasn't sure she was up to, but she couldn't imagine leaving Ray, a broken man, not when he needed her, needed someone, the most.

"Do you know how much easier life will be for you now?" Donna tried a reverse psychology approach.

"Do you really think this is the way I wanted it to be? I don't want to come to terms with being a Ewing this way, not this way. JR was..." he started to choke up. "He was one of a kind."

"And that is probably for the best," Donna chuckled softly.

"I know, but he was my brother. For better or worse, he was my brother, and just like with Jock, he never knew, he never wanted to know, how I felt about him."

"How did you feel about him? Are you saying you loved him?"

Ray shook his head. "I don't know what I'm saying. I just would give anything to have one last trick from him, one last confrontation, one more pool fight. I miss the old days, Donna." He looked her in the eyes. "I miss us."

"They were certainly the most interesting years of my life," she conceded.

"I know I wasn't perfect and I let you down. I was a screw up all of my life."

She pulled him in and embraced him even tighter. "You did lots of things right. Remember Mickey?"

Tears fell down his face as the memories of the boy he loved as his own came to light. "I don't know what else I could have done, Donna. I didn't want him to suffer anymore."

"You did what you thought was best. You loved Mickey, and you taught him many things. He lived a short life, but I know that his days with you at Southfork were the best days of his life."

"Why, Donna? Why did that have to happen?"

"I don't know. I don't have all the answers. But you picked yourself up and you went on with your life, just as I'm sure you will do now. Just take things one day at a time."

"But that was different. I had you back then...now I'm all alone."

Donna took Ray's hand. "You're not alone. You will never be alone, not as long as I'm around."

"but you have your career. You don't need me anymore. You never really needed me, did you?"

"Oh, Ray. You have no idea how I loved you. I never felt that way about anyone in my life. You were the love of my life, you know."

"So where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?"

"Does it really matter anymore?"

"I guess not," Ray sighed.

"Look me in the eyes, Ray Krebbs," Donna ordered.

He obeyed.

"You will not be left alone to pick up the pieces. I will be here for you. What the future holds, I have no idea. But you are not alone. You will never be alone, I promise you that. Do you trust me?"

He didn't have to say it, but they both knew that he did. Even after all of those years, the hurt feelings between them, Ray knew that they shared a love that transcended time, tribulation, and his sorrow.

They stood staring at the pond, not knowing what the future held for them. All Ray knew was that he wasn't alone, and for that, he felt hope for the first time in a very long time.

The end


End file.
